The Onion
America's Finest News Source
[audio] U.S. To Slow Down Relationship With Uruguay
Wed, 1 Sep 2010 08:30:00 -0400
Biden To Cool His Heels In Mexico For A While
Tue, 31 Aug 2010 09:00:00 -0400
JUÁREZ, MEXICO—"I need to steer clear of D.C. until some shit blows over," said Biden, sitting in the far corner of a Mexican cantina with his back to the wall and taking a long swig from a bottle of Tecate Light.
Opinion: Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career (by Michael Warner)
Thu, 2 Sep 2010 11:00:00 -0400
Hi, how do you do? I'm Michael. Pleased to meet you. What? We've met three times before? Really! Well, how embarrassing.
[video] Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation's Wealthiest Crystal Meth Dealer
Wed, 1 Sep 2010 11:30:00 -0400
Police invaded notorious meth dealer Daryl Krogen's home, seizing dozens of bicycle parts and more than ten dollars worth of stolen paint.
[video] In Focus: Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South
Wed, 1 Sep 2010 13:15:00 -0400
Texas residents are relieved that the deadly Category 5 storm just missed them, destroying a horn-shaped land mass south of them instead.
American Voices: Menopause Meds May Harm Kids
Thu, 2 Sep 2010 11:30:00 -0400
The Food and Drug Administration has warned that Evamist, a prescription spray used to control hot flashes in menopausal women, may cause premature breast development in children.
American Voices: Former RNC Chair Comes Out As Gay
Tue, 31 Aug 2010 09:30:00 -0400
Ken Mehlman, the head of the 2004 Bush re-election campaign and former chair of the Republican National Committee has come out to his associates and friends as being gay.
8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live
Thu, 2 Sep 2010 09:00:00 -0400
NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
Opinion: When You Think McDonough's Auto Repair, You Think Craftsmanship, Murder, And Pride (by Bob McDonough)
Tue, 31 Aug 2010 11:00:00 -0400
For more than 75 years, McDonough's Auto Repair has been part of a proud tradition—a tradition of quality, reliability, affordable service for the hard-working folks of Montchester, murder, and, most importantly, pride in a hard day's work.
Slideshow: Law Enforcement
Tue, 31 Aug 2010 08:45:00 -0400
New WNBA Promotion Lets First 100 Fans Leave Early
Tue, 31 Aug 2010 10:30:00 -0400
NEW YORK—In an effort to increase attendance and reward the league's fans, WNBA president Donna Orender announced Wednesday that the first 100 ticket holders to arrive at the conference semifinal games would be allowed to leave extra early.
American Voices: Tongue Stud May Cause Tooth Gap
Wed, 1 Sep 2010 09:30:00 -0400
A case study in the Journal Of Clinical Orthodontics showed that over a period of seven years, a young woman playing with her tongue stud inadvertently caused a gap to form between her front teeth.
[audio] Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'
Mon, 30 Aug 2010 13:00:00 -0400
Man Arriving Early To Party To Walk Up And Down Street For 10 Minutes
Wed, 1 Sep 2010 10:00:00 -0400
MEDFORD, MA—After arriving early for a coworker's party Friday evening and wishing to avoid an awkward entrance, 29-year-old Scott Harrington reportedly devised a plan to walk back and forth along the residential street for 10 additional minutes.
Statshot: What Are Our Favorite Small-Batch Beverages?
Wed, 1 Sep 2010 15:00:00 -0400
Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 31, 2010
Tue, 31 Aug 2010 11:30:00 -0400
Aries Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters. Taurus Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, the star...
[audio] Unemployed Businessman Has Time For Headache
Tue, 31 Aug 2010 08:30:00 -0400
Plot Of 'Midnight Run' Described At Length To Therapist
Tue, 31 Aug 2010 10:00:00 -0400
DULUTH, GA—Duluth resident Paul Bennett's aim to tackle unresolved emotional issues during a $110-per-hour session with his therapist Tuesday somehow digressed into an earnest recapping of the plot of the action-comedy film Midnight Run, sour...
Infographic: Original Kermit Donated To Smithsonian
Wed, 1 Sep 2010 12:30:00 -0400
Last week, Jane Henson, widow of Jim Henson, donated 10 Muppets to the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History, including the original Kermit. Here are some of the other things donated to the museum in the past six months:
[audio] Hollywood Diet Secrets Have Fallen Into Non-Celebrity Hands
Thu, 2 Sep 2010 08:30:00 -0400
[video] In Focus: New Portable Sewing Machine Lets Sweatshop Employees Work On The Go
Tue, 31 Aug 2010 12:30:00 -0400
From our Bangladesh channel: The Smart Stitch is being hailed as a revolutionary garment factory that fits in the palm of your hand.
Pentagon Ripped Off By Shady Weapons Dealer
Thu, 2 Sep 2010 10:00:00 -0400
ARLINGTON, VA—Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted losing $192 million in defense funds Tuesday when he unwittingly purchased a large number of bogus BGM-109 Tomahawk missiles from a disreputable arms dealer known only as "Steve." ...
Department Of Just Saying: 'Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game'
Wed, 1 Sep 2010 10:30:00 -0400
WASHINGTON—In a report written in collaboration with the Bureau of Just Throwing It Out There, the Department of Just Saying noted Wednesday that it had been a good long while since an athlete had died on the field during a major sporting event.
Slideshow: The Week In Review
Mon, 30 Aug 2010 12:30:00 -0400
In Focus: Gulf Of Mexico Inducted Into OPEC
Thu, 2 Sep 2010 15:00:00 -0400
